Daily Jokes!

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink, and the man replied, "No thanks, I don't drink. I tried it once but I didn`t like it!"

So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?" The man said "No, I don't smoke. I tried it once but I didn`t like it!"

The bartender asked the man if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No, I don't play pool. I tried it once but I didn`t like it!  As a matter of fact, I wouldn`t be here at all, but I'm waiting on my son."

The bartender said, "Your only son, I presume!"

A drunken man is wandering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into and then rubbing the roofs of the cars.

The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy.  "What the heck are you doing?" he asks the drunk.

"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it," the drunk replies.

"So how does feeling the roof help you?" asks the puzzled manager.

"Well," replies the drunk earnestly, "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!"

A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye.

The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you lose your leg?"

The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!"

His new acquaintance was still curious, so he asked, "What about your hand? Did you lose it at the same time?"

"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."

Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?"

The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye."

The land-lubber asked, "How could a little seagull crap make you lose your eye?"

The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"

A man walked up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sat, the bartender asks for their order.

The man said, "I'll have a beer," and turned to the ostrich. "What's yours?"

"I'll have a beer too," said the ostrich.

The bartender poured the beer and said, "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reached into his pocket and paid with the exact change.

The next day, the man and the ostrich came again, and the man said, "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich said, "I'll have the same." Once again, the man reached into his pocket and paid with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, when the two entered again. "The usual?" asked the bartender.

"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch," said the man. "Same for me," said the ostrich.

"That will be $7.20," said the bartender. Once again, the man pulled exact change out of his pocket and placed it on the bar.

The bartender couldn't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," said the man. "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I'd just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would be there."

"That's brilliant!" said the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," said the man.

"That's fantastic!" said the bartender. "You are a genius! ... But, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replied, "Well, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."  Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10.  Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."

 

A kindergarten teacher handed out Lifesavers to her class, and the children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red: Cherry.  Yellow: Lemon. Green: Lime.  Orange: Orange.

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY Lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're assholes!"

The teacher had to leave the room!

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.'

She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have never had any  problems."

"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said  to Karen, "Here, try these on."

She tried them on and said, "These are too large.  They don't fit me."

Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to  Mike. She said, "Here, you try on mine."

Mike laughed and said, "I can't get into your panties!"

Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will!"

A photographer for a national  magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!"

The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer. "And make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!"

The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

A man and a woman  who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not?" she giggles.

"Great," he replies. "Then get your own damn blanket!"

A judge was punishing three men because they had committed a crime. Their sentence was a few years in the desert. He said that they could each take one thing with them.

The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade whenever he wants.

The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won't get thirsty.

Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door.

The judge asks, "Why in the world would you want to take a car door?"

The man replies, "Just in case it gets hot, I can roll down the window."